Friday, October 6, 2006

Where Has It Gone Wrong?

Malaysians are getting married at older age. Why? Let me
give an example. It is a little bit long example. If you want to skip it, there
is a summary at the end.


Say you are a fresh graduate at that age of 23, a male, starting a carrier as
an executive officer working somewhere in KL with a salary, say RM2000 per
month and without any saving in the bank. Monthly, extracting your expenditures
on foods, transportation (public or motorcycle), electricity, water, phone,
house rent and other expenses, say you can save about RM800 the most. Then,
because you are a good son, you send some money to your parents or relatives
about RM300 per month. This will give you a balance of RM500 of saving. For the
first year, maybe you are very discipline with your budget, so you save about
RM5000.


The next year at the age of 24, you meet a girl of your dream. Both of you plan
to get married after one year or two. Ok, that's fine, it gives you time to
save some more money and some more time to prepare the basic necessities for a
'happy' family?a car and a roof to live under. That year because you are a hard
worker, you get a raise of 10%. Since you are also a gentleman, you make sure
some money is put aside to spend on dates and gifts for your girl, so 10% goes
for her. Like the previous year, after much sweat and meggie-eating months, you
save another RM5000. Your company is doing ok. You are paid 2 months bonus(if ade..). So,
another RM4000 is added to your saving. So, your total saving now is RM14,000.
You decide to spend about RM8000 on a brand-new RM40,000 car downpayment. So,
you net saving that year is RM6000.


The next year at the age of 25, you are doing fine at work. But because now you
have to pay for car every month, your total monthly saving is cut down to about
RM400. You save roughly about RM5000 that year. No bonus that year because your
company is doing poor. So, your total saving in the bank is RM11,000. Then, you
decide to get engaged with your girlfriend. She said OK. So, need to buy an
engagement ring. RM1500 is spent on ring plus 'hantaran pertunangan'. So, your
net saving that year is RM9,500.


The next year at the age of 26, you get promoted. Your salary now is 1.5 of
your starting salary at the company. Good news! You think. "Ok, this year
I will get married". You also are 'gersang' already. :-)







So, you ask your fiancée "how much is the dowry (hantaran)? "

She say, "berapa-berapa yang u sanggup".

You ask,"RM8000 ok?".

She replies, "I okay je. Tapi my mom tu. Dia kata grad oversea macam I ni

mane boleh letak rendah-rendah. Paling kurang RM10,000 tau!".



Your eyes 'terjegil', your tounge 'meleleh' and you faint on the spot.
"Where else in the world can I get extra money?", you say to
yourself. But, because you are very determined to get married with your dream
girl and in the name of love, you work really really hard that year until you
are awarded "The Best Employee of The Year". You get 3 months of
bonus(nih pon if ade lar..). You also do some side business to supply ayam pencen :-P. So, roughly your
net saving at the end of that year is RM20,000.



Ok, now you are 27 years old with enough saving in the bank to pay for the
dowry. But then, come your mom saying,"Anak mak nak kawin ni mesti la buat
grand grand. Kita sewa khemah besar-besar, jemput penyanyi ke artis ke sorang
dua datang buat persembahan. Lauk pauk kita cater aje la ya? RM10 je sekepala.
Baju kawin ko, kita sewa yg cantik-cantik dan mahal-mahal sket. Kita jemput
dalam 1000 orang datang ok?"



You did a quick in-the-head-calculation, "1000xRM10=RM10,000, penyanyi
lagi, khemah lagi, buta-buta je RM15,000!!! Tu tak masuk cincin kahwin
lagi!!"

You say,"Mak, nak buat apa membazir-bazir duit ni?"

Your mom replies,"Apa pulak membazirnya? Kau kawin sekali je seumur hidup.

Biarlah buat betul-betul."

You insist,"Tapi mak?"

Your mom says, "Dahlah, kau jangan nak buat malu mak. Cik Tipah jiran kita tu buat kenduri kat hotel
siap dato, datin, tan sri puan sri lagi datang. Mana la mak nak letak muka
kalau buat kenduri kecik kecik?".



Anyway, you finally get married. But, a beautiful happy life after
marriage that you dream of with your wife does not last long. You have debts
around your waist, interest gets higher every month, cannot afford to pay them,
you wife gets tired of you asking money from her, she accuses you of being
irresponsible husband for not being a good provider, blah blah blah? At the
end, you two go into separate ways? You get divorced.


Problem breeds problem? Sometimes we wonder why marriage institution is failing
in our country. The above example may not represent the whole phenomena in our
culture, but perhaps it gives us some ideas of the problems young couple these
days are facing in getting married from my perspective. The Root Cause of The
Problem...

There is something wrong in our culture. I really think
there are some practices in our culture in Malaysia (Malay culture
specifically) that do not make sense and especially they are contrary to the
teaching of Islam. These practices are well-rooted in our culture that
unfortunately because of them, many people are 'afraid' to get married, or
simply feel like they cannot afford when they are actually can afford. These
are some of my observation and summary analysis:

(1) Marriage should be done in the most modest way but in Malaysia, it is
ought to be done in the most lavish way. Competition on whose wedding is the
most grandeur is almost unavoidable. Fame is usually the reason why people
spend unreasonable and wasteful amount of money for a wedding.

(2) The "price" of a woman is measured according to her perhaps
educational background, physical attributes and family social status not
according to her knowledge and understanding of Deen and piety as suggested by
the religion. The saddest thing is that "price" is put on women, who
are supposed to be, if God-loving, kind-hearted and pious ones,
"priceless"! 'Dowry' system is adopted by the Malays from perhaps the
Indians who came to Malaysia long time ago. When the 'dowry' is put too high and men can't afford to pay,
marriage is usually delayed or cancelled. An effort to build another small
brick unit of this Deen is delayed or perhaps destroyed only for this reason.

(3) Marriage should be a quick and easy process for the couple not hard, which
eventually becomes a burden. These days, we make marriage so complicated that
people are afraid of getting married. When I was in the UK, I saw
Muslim brothers and sisters getting married at the masjid, with just some
sweets as the main course for the guests. The guests who were invited to
witness the ceremony were usually whoever prayed jemaah at the mosque or some
close relatives and friends. There is no point of being extravagance. We should
focus on the life after wedding not the wedding itself. Wedding is only a door to the marriage house. Why should we spent a lot of
money to decorate the door so beautifully, when the inside of the house is then
left empty, dark and unattractive?

And the pressure is on MEN...  ;-)

Oh before I forget, I just wanna stress here that my
writings, my ramblings or my crapping (or whatever you wanna call it) in this
blog, DO NOT entirely reflect me on a personal level. This blog also do not
entirely reflect my character, personality, real-life behavior and attitude
whatsoever. It's a medium for me to channel my thoughts (or lack of it),
opinions, feedbacks and sometimes (only sometimes) anger and frustration. For
instance, if my jokes are somewhat "dirty minded" to a certain
extent, it's only a joke. Nothing more. Nothing less. If you don't
like it, or if you feel offended in some way, you're more than welcome to
leave. There's no need to be judgemental here. You can't simply judge a person
by reading his or her blog. That's not fair don't you think? So don't act like
you know me by just reading this blog.

You guys have a great weekend. I know I
won't because my syg balik Kampung.. ;-P

You guys take care.
Oh, and Ramadhan Mubarak to all Muslims!

just my 2cents at 8:45 AM |

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