Monday, August 28, 2006

I Quit~ !!

Damn !!

I said once i'm still learning various emotions as a human being have and this one is a level i still don't understand. How come a pain feels so good. It damn hurt, but the more painful the more sweet it tasted. A memory is actually just a tiny working brain cell and causes electric cloud throughout each neurons. But how come it affect me so big and as i typed this writting i'm still shaking all over?

Funny if i remembered. A couples of month before i met this person. Candy sweet lolipop taste gum drop gummy sugar was all we had. that was the "right" time i ever been in love... and ever be. We had so much and i try to control my self by letting go what i really feel like; getting rid of the grey in me and blend in as one of them. It was a huge change; i change for a heart i couldn't find elsewhere. I pray to God as i really mean it. Blessing and blessing is what i always mentioned in nights of hope and peacefulness. But then it began to change, in the light i found another light but dimmer.. and starting to fade. We start to lose our communications..

Here were things said after and things said before and words left
hanging in between, but what I can most remember about mentally
quitting my job today was totally insane; Two vacant windows upon a
poker face that I was too tired or too un-inspired to read. After all,
the hand I’d been dealt was meaningless. I had nothing left to loose.

The fact that I even gave a shit about this job more was the bluff
of a life-time, and i called it.  Suddenly the weight of my
unaffectedness became so burdensome, the cash payout meant less than
nothing. I’d ‘ve rather be struck by lightening than sleepwalk through
another day of corporate slavery.  Hell, my bags were packed  already.
Mentally I’d already cleaned house. Un-locked the shackles, spread my
wings. But just to ease my jilted ego, I’ll let myself believe I folded.

Had I played my cards right, I most likely would have walked from
the table a richer boy. But at this point, my pride was worth more
than a few thousand dollars. 

And for all of you who know me, who have heard my broken record
sobstory for far too long--let us all raise our glasses tonight in
celebratory bliss:

The indentured servant has finally wriggled free of the shackles, or shall I say,

escaped solitary confinement to a caricature I was playing the imposter of

for the past 7 years.

When I walked out today at 0908am, I wondered where the hell I was
headed, and what direction I should take.  My future was more uncertain
than it had ever been.

However, all the fear was a gamble I was completely willing to risk.

That subtle lightness I encountered as I emerged from the  one thousand
times recycled air of the KL City, made it all
worthwhile.

Suddenly I was free. 

Finally I could breathe eventho' my heart is so pain

Although directionless and without a future to rely upon, I found
myself swimming through the realm of possibility that I chose to be my
New Life.

So many are tortured by the fear of what remains behind the door of
everything that is not out everyday.  The torturous routine. And we
wonder, what would it be like

to feel that ..

and be this ..

and experience just for a moment, a world beyond our dome of limitation.

Well, today my friends I have crossed over.

I have walked the tightrope and tumbled to the ground.

And the report from the pavement is quite sunny because at the end of the day,

there exists a net to break your fall,

whether or not you choose to believe it.

Fear may prevent you from believing it-but the laws of nature remain intact:

A body in motion will stay in motion, and a body of rest will stay at rest.

All I can say now, is that the velocity of this transition has given me wings,

Today I have found myself at the bottom of my fate,

And there is nowhere left to soar-

Just a simple confessions to myself that the little " L "  is still there.....

I'm totally F up..      

just my 2cents at 10:50 PM |

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