Monday, November 20, 2006

The Things We Do But Do Not Say

Pitfalls of Self-judgment

Are you aware of your
self-judgements? How often do you judge yourself as bad, wrong or inadequate?
Are you aware of how you end up feeling as a result of your self-judgments? Do
you find yourself stating......

"I'm such a jerk. How
could I have said that?"

"I'm a loser. I'll
never get anywhere."

"I'm so stupid. I
should have learnt this by now."

"I don't fit in. I
don't belong with these people."

"I'll never be good
enough. I'll never do it right enough."

"No one could love me.
I'm not lovable"

In counseling people, I find that self-judgment is
one of the major cause of fear, anger, anxiety and depression. Yet
most people don't realise that these painful feelings are the result of their
own thoughts, their own self-judgments.

Most of the time, when I ask anxious friends why they are
feeling anxious, they tell me that it's because of something that
happened to them.

They usually believe that an event or a person caused their
anxiety. Yet when I ask them what they are thinking might be causing their
anxiety, they will tell me as a self-judgment such as, "I'll never get
this right", or they projecting their own judgment onto me and telling
themselves, "Azwan doesn't like me," or "Azwan is getting
impatient with me."

When they judge themselves or make up that I'm judging, they get
anxious.

There is nothing actually happening that is causing their
anxiety, other than their own thoughts.


Pointing out to them that they are causing their anxiety with their
self-judgment doesn't not necessarily stop the judgment. This is because
self-judgment is often an addiction. An addiction is a habitual behaviour that
is intended to protect against pain.

What is the pain that self-judgment is intended to protect
against?

Generally, the hope of self-judgment is to protect
against rejection and failure. The false beliefs are that, "If I
judge myself, then others won't judge me and reject me. I can be safe from
others' judgment by judging myself first", or "If I judge myself, I
can motivate myself to do things right and succeed. Then I will feel safe and
be loved and accepted by others."

However, just as a child does far better in school with
encouragement than with criticism, so do we as adults.

Criticism tends to scare and immobilise us. Instead of
motivating us, it often creates so much anxiety that we get frozen and become
unable to take appropriate action for ourselves.


More self-judgment follows the lack of action, which results in more anxiety
and immobilisation, until we create a situation where we are completely stuck
and miserable.


The way out of this is to become aware of the feelings of fear, anxiety, anger
or depression and then ask yourself, "What did I just tell myself that is
creating this feeling?"


Once you become aware of the self-judgment, you can then ask yourself, "Am
I certain that what I am telling myself is true?".

If you are not 100 per cent certain that what you are
telling yourself is true, you can ask your higher, wise-self or a spiritual
source of wisdom, "What is the truth?".


If you are really open to learning about the truth, the truth will pop into
your mind, and it will be much different than what you have been telling
yourself.




For example, "I'm such a jerk. How could I have said that?"
becomes "We all mess up at times. It's okay to make mistake - it's part of
being human. Making a mistake does not mean that you are a jerk."

When we open the truth, we will discover a kind and
compassionate way of speaking to ourselves, a way that makes us feel loved and
safe rather than anxious, angry or depressed.

Addictions are always challenging to resolve, and an addiction to
self-judgment is no exception.


Hence, be easy on yourself, and don't judge yourself for judging yourself!

It will take time and dedication to become aware of your
self-judgments and learn to be kind toward yourself, but the end result is so
worth the effort!

p/s: Miss you darl ..

just my 2cents at 10:23 AM |

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