Monday, November 20, 2006
The Things We Do But Do Not Say
Pitfalls of Self-judgment
Are you aware of your
self-judgements? How often do you judge yourself as bad, wrong or inadequate?
Are you aware of how you end up feeling as a result of your self-judgments? Do
you find yourself stating......
"I'm such a jerk. How
could I have said that?"
"I'm a loser. I'll
never get anywhere."
"I'm so stupid. I
should have learnt this by now."
"I don't fit in. I
don't belong with these people."
"I'll never be good
enough. I'll never do it right enough."
"No one could love me.
I'm not lovable"
In counseling people, I find that self-judgment is
one of the major cause of fear, anger, anxiety and depression. Yet
most people don't realise that these painful feelings are the result of their
own thoughts, their own self-judgments.
Most of the time, when I ask anxious friends why they are
feeling anxious, they tell me that it's because of something that
happened to them.
They usually believe that an event or a person caused their
anxiety. Yet when I ask them what they are thinking might be causing their
anxiety, they will tell me as a self-judgment such as, "I'll never get
this right", or they projecting their own judgment onto me and telling
themselves, "Azwan doesn't like me," or "Azwan is getting
impatient with me."
When they judge themselves or make up that I'm judging, they get
anxious.
There is nothing actually happening that is causing their
anxiety, other than their own thoughts.
Pointing out to them that they are causing their anxiety with their
self-judgment doesn't not necessarily stop the judgment. This is because
self-judgment is often an addiction. An addiction is a habitual behaviour that
is intended to protect against pain.
What is the pain that self-judgment is intended to protect
against?
Generally, the hope of self-judgment is to protect
against rejection and failure. The false beliefs are that, "If I
judge myself, then others won't judge me and reject me. I can be safe from
others' judgment by judging myself first", or "If I judge myself, I
can motivate myself to do things right and succeed. Then I will feel safe and
be loved and accepted by others."
However, just as a child does far better in school with
encouragement than with criticism, so do we as adults.
Criticism tends to scare and immobilise us. Instead of
motivating us, it often creates so much anxiety that we get frozen and become
unable to take appropriate action for ourselves.
More self-judgment follows the lack of action, which results in more anxiety
and immobilisation, until we create a situation where we are completely stuck
and miserable.
The way out of this is to become aware of the feelings of fear, anxiety, anger
or depression and then ask yourself, "What did I just tell myself that is
creating this feeling?"
Once you become aware of the self-judgment, you can then ask yourself, "Am
I certain that what I am telling myself is true?".
If you are not 100 per cent certain that what you are
telling yourself is true, you can ask your higher, wise-self or a spiritual
source of wisdom, "What is the truth?".
If you are really open to learning about the truth, the truth will pop into
your mind, and it will be much different than what you have been telling
yourself.
For example, "I'm such a jerk. How could I have said that?"
becomes "We all mess up at times. It's okay to make mistake - it's part of
being human. Making a mistake does not mean that you are a jerk."
When we open the truth, we will discover a kind and
compassionate way of speaking to ourselves, a way that makes us feel loved and
safe rather than anxious, angry or depressed.
Addictions are always challenging to resolve, and an addiction to
self-judgment is no exception.
Hence, be easy on yourself, and don't judge yourself for judging yourself!
It will take time and dedication to become aware of your
self-judgments and learn to be kind toward yourself, but the end result is so
worth the effort!
p/s: Miss you darl ..
just my 2cents at 10:23 AM |
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Are You The Winner Or The Loser?
What up dawg? how's Raya? okay ka? I really dig this one. check it out.
The Winner is always part of the answer
The Loser is always part of the problem
The Winner always has a program
The Loser always has an excuse
The Winner says,”Let me do it for you”
The Loser says,”That is not my job”
The Winner sees an answer for every problem
The Loser sees a problem for every answer
The Winner says,”It may be difficult but it is possible”
The Loser says,”It may be possible but it is too difficult”
When a Winner makes a mistake, he says,”I was wrong”
When a Loser makes a mistake, he says,”It wasn't my fault”
A Winner makes commitments
A Loser makes promises
Winners have dreams
Loser have schemes
Winners say,”I must do something”
Losers say,”Something must be done”
Winners are a part of the team
Losers are apart from the team
Winners see the gain
Losers see the pain
Winners see possibilities
Losers see problems
Winners believe in win/win
Losers believe for them to win someone has to lose
Winners see the potential
Losers see the past
Winners are like a thermostat
Losers are like thermometers
Winners choose what they say
Losers say what they choose
Winners use hard arguments but soft words
Losers use soft arguments but hard words
Winners stand firm on values but compromise on petty things
Losers stand firm on petty things but compromise on values
Winners follow the philosophy of empathy,
“Don't do to others what you would not want them to do to you”
Losers follow the philosophy,
“Do it to others before they do it to you”
Winners make it happen
Losers let it happen
so. are you the WINNER or the LOSER?
you guys take care. have a
great weekend!
let's hope this week it's gonna be Mas's turn.
it's about time. yesszaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh...
* Syg - All the best for your coming exam. Good Luck
just my 2cents at 6:46 PM |
Wednesday, November 1, 2006
Raya mood is still around
heyya guys, how's your raya celebration? better than expected?
In malaysia, the routine of the first day of raya (mostly in my parents' hometown):
1) everyone wake up really really early, especially for the girls. and most of the time, i'm the last one to wake up.
2) ask-for-forgiveness session just in the family (usually in the bedroom, for privacy purpose).
3) raya prayer at the main mosque..
4) visit kubur of my grandparent and other relatives.
5) big feast with the big family. must involve rice no matter what.
6) start visiting our closest relatives, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunties, cousins, nieces, neighbours, officemates, you name it. and the main activity is eating, eating & eating...
7) usually we are all tired at around 3.00/4.00ish, and by that time, most of us are already on the floor, sleeping. not for long though, maybe for an hour. pretty sure many malays all around the country do the same thing too, sleep for a while in the evening, around the same time, before continuing beraya at night..hehe..
maybe that's what i'm doing, continue the malay tradition. sleep during raya...huhu
favourite kuih raya?
almond London by Zatty or is it london almond? whatever. wahahahaha..
favourite raya food?
Satay & Lemang.
favourite bunga api/mercun?
anything goes. mercun roket, ketupat (or bola), naga, lalat, ayam, telur, bawang and bunga api (for girls..hehe). got chased by an old man once when my "mercun lalat"
landed perfectly on his house roof.
which one do you prefer? father's kampung/mother's kampung/ur house to celebrate raya?
my mom's kampung at N9. more cousins and relatives there.
which raya dish do you know how to prepare?
does sirap count?
favourite raya's eve activity?
Eating and sleeping when exhausted.
ideal open house?
in a kampung environment with a huge lawn with nice grass.
From now on..maybe kuantan
favourite lagu raya?
raya by jalil hamid. nahh just kidding. wahahaha aa..takbir raya still can make me cry,
so probably that's my favorite.
favourite pasar ramadhan?
alor star's pasar ramadhan.
average number of kad raya received every year?
2 or none.. wahahaha =)
whats the first thing that comes to your mind when people mention raya?
no more duit raya like it used to? wahahahaha...
where will you be this hari raya?
With my love one at N9 and Kuantan
Gotta go guys, 22 days of raya to go! semangat sikit everyone! wahahahaha...
Thanks to Atip for Nasi Dagang & My dear Zatty for making this raya in Kuantan
so memorable...You really made my day...Missin you so baddd right now !
just my 2cents at 3:34 PM |
